the holes


Conceding

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the holes


Conceding

the holes

Mira and her husband love spending time talking about physics and cosmology. He humors her baby understanding and is able to help her get a bit if it.

Lately a NOVA program on black holes captured her imagination and has sent her reeling.

Images in this chapter are Internet and her photos.

the dive


the dive


the dive

At the same time she seems to be diving into an inner mysterious world that grabs her attention in startling ways.

At times it is black beyond black, raw despair of abandonment and unworthiness and at other times is peaceful unbounded dissolving.

the hike


the hike


the hike

For a couple of days Mira found her borders loosening and seemingly those of her external environment as well, and combined with subtle physical sensations made her wonder about stroke ir brain tumor. She even wondered it this is what it felt like to die - dissolving.

 

She wondered if she should call the kids or visit a medical facility which made her laugh out loud. Her husband kept stopping by, standing close, and asking if she were ok.

 

After the fact she had the sense that her personality had taken a hike, gone off toward the right for awhile.

 

The next day he said she had seemed detached. What a hoot!

the fall


the fall


the fall

One night after a desultory tango class and practice she felt the familiar rejection, feeling of never good enough which blossomed into a full blown existential crisis of unworthiness and abandonment. (Who knew a dance could give so much?)

She got up, sat in the dark and fell into that old rabbit hole, falling through the groundless black, through layers of holding, controlling, managing, pleading, wishing, hoping, denying.

the cleanse


the cleanse


the cleanse

As the hole became evident as vibrating blackness she felt the lining up of material to feed it, all it needed to do was pass the event horizon and gone for ever and ever and ever, or so she hoped.

There were judgments, contractions, scaffolding, protections, projections, safely nets, beliefs, opinions, hopes, desires, rejections… and she watched as each one swirled, passed over and was swallowed into that blackest of silent blackness, nothingness that has space for everything and grinds it to dissolved ink.

the mirror


the mirror


the mirror

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the pattern


the pattern


the pattern

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the time


the time


the time

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the guides


the guides


the guides

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